okay for those of you who have been following my posts, I was talking about modeling... Well I tried to upload some photos and it was just taking awhile, so I just sent my myspace link, there are plenty on there. I am up for honesty, I don't mind critics, at all. Also, I just want to know if you think I have what it takes, or if i should just not try. Thanks in advance, I hope you ladies and gents are doing okay with ana and mia. How are we all doing?
XoXo
Amber
the test i took yesterday it turns out i made a 72%
how bad does that suck?
i hate all this bullshit
my counselor wants me to call her today and tell her what ive eaten
im not going to call her
whatever
i have one more class and then im going to spend the rest of the time looking at thinspiration
and just looking at stuff online
i cant beleive i have a project on eating disorders...wwow
i want to rip my insides out for eating this morning
I want to g home and workout and burn like 3500 calories.
i want to lose all this fucking fat
i want to be at 100 NOW
its obvious im not having a good day.
ugh.
I WANT TO GET TO MY GW!
=[
Running Free
Morning comes
In a hospital room
Blood stained panties
Showers cleansing
Confusion of
What just happened?
Quietly walking
3 am
Back to sleep
6 am
Time to get up
No more bleeding
Sitting alone
Slowly gathering
Minutes away
From catastrophe
Excuse yourself
In a hospital
Being raped
No protection
Knocked out
Unconsciously
CRY
No patrol
Running free
Crimeless Monster
Hurting me
Diseased tested
Nothing found
Thankfully
Disgusted
Find this man
He hurt me
Scarred forever
Forever free
Uninvited misery
By: Amber Thompson
its raining
its my day off
i made a 71 on my math test
i made a 72 on my sociology test
wtf is wrong with me!
gosh im going to work out
for as long as i can
and as hard as i can
this sucks bad.
so much for my 3.7 GPA!
peace
Not a very good day ladies,
I woke up this morning and i was alright, well i started getting dressed and i saw my shirt and how it looked with jeans and my stomache is soo big. Literally. I think i am gaining so much weight. It makes me sick!
Im already at a size 3. im at school and i brought a pb & j sandwhich this morning and a ziplock full of cookies and a dr pepper
well i got to school & i started feeling really fat and so angry at myself that i threw all of it away.
I kept the mini cereal box with chereos in it, its 100 calories for the whole thing, so ill munch on that thru out the day, so that will be only 100.
Ive got to get down to my goal, I want to be 98 asap.
Im sick too. I think i might have broncidous or the flu.
If i was to ever need support, it would be today.
I think im gaining weight like crazy.
I feel like i have NO support.
I have counseling today & tomorrow
Gosh, just please help me.
Set me free
Naked body lying in the tub
droplets of water
drip drip drip
knife in hand, shaking
blood stained teardrops
filling up beneath me
cry for help
nothing but
echoing throughout
a hopeless suicide
slice to the wrist
scream outloud
stab through the leg
It'll be over soon
weak
pale
lost control
call for help
out of time
grab the tub
hand prints
red paint
everywhere
Life's gone
Death's come
minutes left
seconds away
time to go
no time to spare
fading dreams
wakeful screams
the pain has drifted
my breath has fallen
Feed back please <3
run to your room
shut.lock.disappear
yell cry & scream
all this unwanted
agony
removing mask
alone at last
emotions risisng
souls departing
forced to return
phone is ringing
soul is saved
from soffocating
starvation
malnutrition
hospitalization
calorie counting
miles treading
everyone watching
no more lying
slowly dying
stay alive
please survive
xoxo
MY fight, YOUR fight, OUR fight
Youre so beautiful, yeah youre beautiful
You think youre worthless
fat and ugly
think you dont deserve the life you want to live
make this the end
get up get up
and set your soul free
you you
have the power
stop throwing up and skipping dinner
i know you hate the look in that mirror
it lies, youre beautiful, beautiful
but you gotta gotta see it too
Sober up, sober up
stop this torchurous routine
you are too precious for this disappointment
run run save your worth
WAKE UP WAKE UP
why cant you see, what they see?
We all want to say goodbye
to an unwanted life full of pain
I can't breathe anymore
I don't escape, I bite my lip
til i cant take it anymore, terrified face
its 2 a.m Its not easy, easy for me
I feel like i just lost my best friend
up and gone, i cant breathe without you,
but i have to
Im sorry, sorry Im letting you go
The new me starts today
You gotta see, see
what youve got to give
The new journey
here and now
where are all the people who
burise me
beat me down
make me feel like nothing at all?
They return, return
but im still strong, stronger then they are
Nothing can stop me
nothing will stop me
I've got strength,
and you do too.
I feel completely miserable today.
I started my period this morning.
After my first class i went to the bathroom and it was all over my pants... like down to the back of my knee... i have no idea how that would happen..?
Well im going home, screw my other classes. Im going to go home and Im going to take a nap and probably work out for a couple hours. I feel like poop!
=( i feel so fat
Last night i almost had an emotional breakdown. I hate feeling like this.
is anyone else having a bad day?
I hope you guys r having a good day.
Muah
xoxo
Today is feb. 4, 2009.
Yesterday was my 20th birthday, it was actually a very good birthday. I usually don't have a good birthday.
I got a lot of presents actually. I did get those converse guys!
I also got some ed hardy stuff and a lot of clothes, and panties lol, and undershirts, jeans, and stuff like that. My mom took me to dinner, which is a really big shocker. I had cheese cake lol.
I had group counseling last night as well. It was pretty good actually. My therapist had brownies, but i took one because its rude if you dont.. and i just took one bite & then I put it on top of my purse, when I got home, I ate it.
I wonder how much i weigh. I haven't eaten today, but then again its only 11:23 a.m.
I have counseling today. Last night I couldn't sleep so I took vikadin. and again this morning at 6 am. I have it because a couple weeks ago I fractured my cheek bone and it was really badly bruised. They had to do x-rays & cat scans and things like that.
well i still had some left over and so i took them to help me sleep, im not one who has a pill problem... lol or alcohol problem. I just couldnt sleep =[
How are you guys?
Dress Size: i think a 2
Highest Weight: 125
Lowest Weight: 98-100
Goal Weight: 98
Favorite Diet Food: yogurt, bananas
Favorite Binge Food: cookies brownies and cake etc
Favorite Exercise: treadmill and bike and elliptical
Thinspo: the one in the pic
Where Do You Slip Up? when im at my friends over the weekend
When Did It Start? 5 years ago
Does Anyone Know? yeah like everyone
Do You Want Help?im actually getting help, not sure i want it.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? um prob 500 or less
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?gross
Are You In A Relationship?no
Are You The Fat One Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? fat
Are You Depressed? yeh
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? yes and no
Ever Been To A Psychologist? yes
I AM -
[X] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[X] hungry
[X] thirsty
[X] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs (i wish)
[ ] starving yourself
[X] participating in a fast
PEOPLE -
[ x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[X] call me fat
[ x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[X] say I’m pretty
[X] spread rumors about me
[X] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[X] wish I’d eat more
[ ] don't know I'm anorexic
I WISH -
[X] I was THIN
[X] I had a better body
[X] I didn't have to eat
[X] I could control myself
[X] I was under 100lbs
[X] I could avoid food
[X] I could hide what I am
[X] I wasn’t fat
[X] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
I LOVE -
[X] feeling hungry
[X] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[X] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[ x] diet pills
[X] being able to turn down food
[X] feeling good about myself
Today is Feb 2, 2009
Tomorrow is my birthday. Im kinda excited, but not really. I wanted these converse from finishline they were SO cute, they sound a little "punkish" but theyre not, they are white with blk skulls and little swords, they are darling. i wanted them for my birthday and my mom said she wouldn't buy them for me because it represents violence. I was like omg im turning 20!?
what kind of shit is this?
Well i havent fasted in a couple weeks. I was on the track of trying to get better. But you know what I don't really care anymore. I may startt "fasting" tomorrow, yes my birthday.
School is so freaking hard. seriously. I have homework in all my classes for this weekend. I have class tomorrow & i still have some hw left. i did about half of it so far.
I'm ready to just get my damn teaching degree!
i wish we all lived right by each other. I wish we could all hang out. In the book ive been talking about that im reading, she meets a friend with similar problems. It makes me feel alone. =/ geez i feel so depressed. =(
i need buddies.
I woke up today at about 8:30-i layed in bed awhile. It was kinda nice not to have to get up for class at 5 am this morning. I do have a crap load of homework or this weekend. Something in every class, but that's okay atleast I can stay busy. I am very greatful for the ones who are commenting and messaging, its very hearfelt and it really means a lot to me. I know it only takes a couple minutes out of your day. I know each of us know how alone the other is feeling. Right now I am reading this book about an anorexic girl and an obsessive compulsive eater, they become best friends. It seems really good. I love these kids of books because it makes me feel like im not so alone. We have each other guys. Stay strong, no matter if youre trying to get better or not. I am, and I really do wish we could all get better together. If anyone wants support on being positive or trying to recover, or if youre just feeling so worthless and just need a friend because this battle is so hard for you, msg me or comment me, i would love to be there for you, as everyones there for me. I need friends as everyone here does. I want you all to understand me, no one where i live does. I hate it. If you want to talk on here we can, if you have aim/myspace/yahoo im/facebook.... just let me know. I wish we all lived close by each other so we could fight this together and be okay with it.
I wish you all a great and wonderful blessed day.
=)
It's 7:25 a.m
I'm at school, its really early. I have been eating lately, I think I'm going to try to get better. I don't want to live like this forever. Today I have all four classes, which sucks. I think I'll find out what i made on my second class' test. I currently have a gpa of 3.66. I hope I can make a 4.0 this semester. Last night i went through all my clothes and i threw away all my shirts that don't fit anymore. I also threw away all of my size 0 pants and some size 1's. Some still fit me though. Im trying to do this.
My birthday is in 5 days. Im sorta excited because ill be 20! thats crazy. It is 34 degrees here, and i like in texas so it's kinda weird. My fingers were numb this morning!
I hope you all have a wonderful day. If you need a chatting buddy, im here. And im here if you just want some advice. that's what were all here for, right girls?
xxxxx
=)
Today is Tuesday, I woke up feeling sick! I think I'm going to go home at 12, my last class is at 11:20. I have to write a paper today, and try to finish my research paper for psychology.
I'm so cold, my hands are purple. I haven't eaten since Sunday. I'm going to try to not eat til atleast thursday. I have plenty of water to drink though.
My mom makes me so mad, I don't have a car right now, I'll get it supposedly on Christmas... so i asked her to drive to school slow, so I wouldnt have to wait outside my college campus for 15 minutes in the freezing cold. And she said i have to be somewhere too... and i told her, mom you get to work 15 minutes early everyday, so i knew she had time to spare.. but guess what.. she drops me off at 6:30- when my school doesn't open until 6:45! i know it doesn't sound like that big of a deal. But it was about 30-40 degrees outside today and i have a light jacket and that's it. ugh so stupid!
Tomorrow I wont have to go to class because my teacher wont be there, so I get to stay home, sleep in, work out, and do stupid homework! Im so great this semester is almost over. Next week is finals! =)
Well ladies leave me comments!
Also, if you're having a hard day, I'm up for chatting. Or even if you're not, I can chat too.
I have aim if you want to talk, yahoo too. or just talk to me on here!
<3
3 days
advice?
I want to lose about 5-10 pounds this week.
Or what i can lose.
anyone got any suggestions on fast weight loss. i mean really fast?
Please!
thanks!
I haven't posted in awhile, I have been off and on with "ana!" But I start my fast today, monday through thursday. I hope I can do it, Me and Brittany can do this!
This week is going to be really stressful, I have two research papers due for psychology class and for music class. I have a project that's due tomorrow. I have an assignment due tomorrow. I have finals next week. Just a lot of work in such a short time. But I can do this :)
Today I'm probably going to leave the school at 12:30 after class, and go home, workout for about an hour or so, then do some more homework!
How are you guys doing? Updates and feedback kiddos.
<3 Amber
=)
I desperately want to be so little.
I can't stop thinking about it. i watch movies on it all the time, i read stuff on it, and i try so hard to not eat, and if i do, i try to throw up and for some reason nothing comes up. i dont know if it's because i didnt eat enough food or what. But i have no support. My best friend thinks im just doing this just because. She says i know you cant just eat, its not that easy... she claims to understand... Well she fucking doesn't. It sucks so bad eating and feeling so bad about it. Something inside of me saying not to eat and myself saying to? I can't make it go away, and she thinks i can. I am obsessed with starving myself.
I even dream about it.
Ya i get it that i need help, i see a psych and a counselor and all they care about is if im fucking eating... do they not get the simple fact that my real problems are the reason i dont eat. its not the food itself that i hate... its my problems. i hate not being able to control anything!
Last night i overheard my mom talking on the phone to one of her friends. She said she was suicidal and that its a lot to deal with ambers (me) problems.
Maybe i should kill myself instead.
i just dont understand.
i dont even have a dad, he was murdered. now i wont have a mom...
great, wonderful... NOT!
I don't even know why i care if she dies, she treats me like total crap. She has never ever been proud of me, not once and i do everything for her. i try so hard in school i just want to her to be happy and she wont be.
she doesnt even want me to go to college. she thinks that everyone can be lucky like her and make nearly 100 K a year without a college degree... sorry it dont work that way anymore.
I mean... wheres the fucking grace in my family?
I don't even know who i am, who my family is, or what i am going to do with my life.
I want to be skinny. Ana is going to be my only friend soon.
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